Special Guest Expert - Heather Quick: Video automatically transcribed by Sonix

Special Guest Expert - Heather Quick: this mp4 video file was automatically transcribed by Sonix with the best speech-to-text algorithms. This transcript may contain errors.

Daniel Aaron:
What does it take to create a vibrant, thriving life? First, the sad news is that Thoreau was right most people are leading quiet lives of desperation, lacking in meaning, fulfillment, and vitality. But we choose more. We choose to create extraordinary lives and the art of vibrant living. Show entertains you with inspiration, empowerment and education to create your life into a masterpiece. It's time. Let's vibe up. Aloha, y'all. Welcome to the show. It's the Art of Vibrant Living show. I am Daniel Aaron, your host, and I'm so excited for you all today. We've got an amazing show, an amazing guest. I will tell you some secrets about why that is so very soon. First though, a request, a suggestion, I implore you, please go beyond the entertainment factor. Hopefully we will be entertaining and make a commitment to yourself that you'll take at least one of the gold nuggets that our guest will bring today. And you say, I'm going to put that into place in my life, like actually do something with it, because the point of this show is to empower you to live your most vibrant, thriving life. It does not tend to happen by accident. It takes education. It also takes some action. So would you, could you you could would you please do? All right. Today. Very exciting. My guest is a phenomenal woman. And I'll tell you the straight up bio. And then I'll tell you the secret part of the secret sauce, my estimate to it. We'll see what she says. Heather Quick is a personal and relationship coach serving high achievers, productivity chasers, frustrated parents, and unsatisfied spouses who are excited to create lives and relationships that build them up instead of drag them down. She uses modern science, ancient wisdom, and a spirit of play to guide her clients through the stages of personal power so they can be part of the 1% wisest humans on the planet, and use that wisdom to create all the success and ease that they desire. She lives near Baltimore, Maryland with her amazing husband Sam, and three kiddos. Can you guess what the secret sauce is? I said it there, but I didn't tell you which which part it was, according to me. We'll see. Heather. Thank you. I'm so glad you're here. Welcome.

Heather Quick:
I'm so glad to be here. Thanks for having me.

Daniel Aaron:
Oh, it's an honor. It's a joy. It's a pleasure. And I've got to drop on the audience. I know you a little bit already. They don't maybe don't know you yet. So would you be so kind and generous to share with us, with them a little bit about who you are and how you got to be who you are and the work you're doing in the world. Oh my.

Heather Quick:
Goodness. Sure. So who I am is a little bit of the surface of the earth bopping around for a bit. So I number one, my number one priority in the world is to just people with people and I, you know, have three children, as you said a few minutes ago, I have a wonderful husband named Sam. I live near Baltimore, Maryland, and I have conversations with people to help them suffer less and. I call it fully blooming. I like people to fully bloom. So I love the title of your show, the Art of Vibrant Living, because that's what I think we're all looking for.

Daniel Aaron:
Perfect. Cool. Thank you. Now I'm just going to go way out on a limb. Use my spidey sense. Um, because they're right. The the word in your in your biography there, the, um, uh, what was it the specific thing was the, um, uh, unsatisfied spouses. I heard that. Oh, my heart's breaking. Um, yeah. And, you know, I'm guessing that you didn't necessarily live always as, uh, somebody who referred to her amazing husband, Sam, and who maybe didn't live with such a great sense of positivity, exuberance and playfulness all your life. Is that true?

Heather Quick:
That's absolutely true. I mean, I have been, um, a pretty playful, energetic, you know, happy kind of person. But, uh, definitely I was the unsatisfied spouse. My husband was the unsatisfied spouse, as we say now. We just didn't know how to be happy. We hadn't figured it out yet. We'd been repeating patterns from my parents, his parents, you know, things we learned along the way that, um, didn't work. You know, most people don't go through their lives having extraordinary relationships. And so I've, yes, done a whole bunch of work and journeying to figure out how to do that. And so it's pretty fun to help other people do that. Now to.

Daniel Aaron:
Yeah. Cool. Well, let's let's definitely dig into that because the, the part of the way I work with people in my personal philosophy on life is I have I've created something I call the the pyramid of vibrancy. Right. The philosophy that, you know, it doesn't work. You can't create a vibrant life just by having a ton of money or just by having a great body with wonderful health. Yeah and one of the essential layers of that pyramid is relationships that work. And I love the language you use that you know, that lift you up rather than pull you down. Um, so, I mean, I think it's amazing, even just to. To to hear your certainty on that, that it's possible for people, right, that you've overcome both of y'all being unsatisfied, because it seems to me like when I look around the world, when I look back at my childhood, there's just so many people are just getting by and feel trapped and like it's it's just not very good. So I mean, having the hope, having the belief is amazing. How does one do it though? How does one go from a, you know, mediocre monotony of a relationship into something great?

Heather Quick:
Well, I think a huge part of it is having examples around, um, you know, I worked with other coaches and mentors so that I saw what was possible. Um, I now that I've stepped into this new way of being in relationship, um, I can look around and see that there were other people around that had already sorted this out, already achieved this, but it's like it's I couldn't even tell by the water I was swimming in. Right. So, um, the other part is to know how normal it is, not just normal, but like necessary to go through these stages. I teach three stages of relationship co-dependence, independence, interdependence. And none of them are pathological and none of them are skippable. Right? We all come in with the stories that we have, with the patterns that we have, and we're going to live them full out, right in all their glory and all their working ness and not working ness until they really, really don't work. And so, um, every single person that comes to me is either sure their partner is doing it wrong or sure they're doing it wrong, but the reality is we're all just doing what we know and we all have the opportunity to learn to do it differently. And that is actually the evolution of personal power. You know, our relationships can take us there. Just I like to say that my marriage called me into my greatness. And so we can use the relationships that we have to step into these other levels of personal power and go along this evolution, this journey, um, from co-dependence to independence to interdependence just inside ourselves. And if you make it there, then you're one of the, I call it the 1% wise 1 in 100 people make it. Science shows us to this level of relating that is so human and so possible. But we need, you know, mentorship. We need to see the possibility and we need to understand that it's possible for ourselves before we take the journey there.

Daniel Aaron:
Beautiful. Okay, what? You said 426 wise things in the midst of that that I want to come back to. Yeah. Um, well, speaking of wise, one of the things that you said reminded me of one of my heroes and mentors, a guy named Ram Dass, who, yeah, lived here on the island of Maui for a long time. And I remember he said something that really caught my attention once. He said, I've been with some of the smartest, most intelligent people in the world. I've been with the wisest people in the world. What do you think the difference is? Right? And he said that and we're all like, um, uh. And he said, the wise ones are happy. Mhm. Right. So intelligence alone doesn't necessarily lead to happiness. And I could say my own case sometimes it got in the way of it too smart for my own good. Um so I want to, I want, I want to get more from you on those three stages also. First this the the you said the evolution of personal power, the gateway to personal power. Will you say more about what that means?

Heather Quick:
Yeah. So the evolution of personal power, in fact. Here. Look, I have a book right here if you want to read about it, Janet O. Hagberg talks about the evolution of personal power. Um, she has six stages. Um, I break it down into three mountains. I call them to make it simple. And the third mountain is this interdependent stage. And it's the stage of wisdom and, um, to to reference, you know what I mean by the 1% wise, you. I love how you separate it from knowledge because, you know, on this first mountain, in this first stage, we've learned the correct way to do things right. We learned like how our parents did things, how they did things in our school, how they did things in society. And we're like, I know what to do, right? And we show up with that in our relationships and the evolution, the end of the evolution of, um, our personal power, but also our relationships is being able to develop an ability to hold two seemingly opposing truths at the same time and create a solution from there, create relating from there. So it's actually the ability to not decide who's right, care who's right, even play the game of like right wrongness. It's more of holding two truths at the same time and um, creating relationship from that. So that's actually, for me, the definition of wisdom. And it's actually outside of the game of right and wrong. Right. So that's um, what I find is required to be in a relationship with another person. You know, if my husband and I are constantly battling who's right, who's wrong, then we're not on the same team and we're not having fun anymore, that's for sure. So that's that's the you know, our relationships are so perfectly suited. If you want to, you know, find out how powerful you are as a person. If you want to find out how much more you can grow, get into an intimate relationship. It's like the ultimate growth portal, right? That's my experience.

Daniel Aaron:
At least I'm with you. I love the thing Byron Katie used to say, which is if you want to wake up, marry the person that annoys you most. Yeah. And then do the work. Yes, yes. And and I mean, it's I love what you said because. So two reflections come one. I remember long time ago studying, I was studying Zen Buddhism. And there, you know, sometimes in there these, these Zen stories. And one of them was that and this is kind of a probably a story of a story of a story, I don't know, but it was that the gates to heaven, right? The gates to liberation. Yeah. There's two pillars. One pillar is healing. And when I heard that, I was like, okay, that makes sense. You know, you got you got to heal. And the other one was paradox. And I remember when I, when I, when I first heard that I was like, paradox huh. Yeah. Right. And that's, that's kind of what I heard in you saying is like, it's like like the Rumi quotation. Right? It's it's, you know, beyond right doing and wrongdoing. There's a like, there's this other possibility it's not I'm right or you're right, zero sum game. Somebody's going to lose with that. Right. That there's, there's something beyond that. And it sounds like, am I hearing you right. Like that part of it is, is would be each, uh, each part of the, the couple, the entity saying, hey, we're going to make a higher priority here. We're going to agree that this is more important than than, you know, whether I'm right or you're right. Is that fair? Absolutely.

Heather Quick:
And what I would add is that it really just takes one person. I think there's this myth that's going around, um, or that's in, you know, popular psychology that both people need to, like, be on board and do the work to create a new relationship. But I like to think of relationship as a dance. And if, you know, if Sam and I have been doing the waltz all these years and we're just really good at the waltz, and we like waltz and waltz and waltz and waltz and waltz and waltz and waltz. Right. We don't even realize what dance we're doing, usually. Right? We have to go talk to Heather to look at the dance that we're doing and start to describe it. But we've been doing the waltz forever. I have the power to change dances whenever I choose, right? So I can wake up and say, I'm stuck in the waltz. I'm stuck in the waltz. I hate the waltz. I want to be done with the waltz. Or I can say today I'm going to tango and Yeah. When I start to tango, while my partner is still doing the waltz, like some toes are going to get stepped on. Some confusion is going to happen, but if we're going to stay in the dance together, we're either going to eventually evolve into doing the tango or find a new dance to do together. So. I love. You know, I have clients that never even tell their partner. And I'm not like saying this is like the right thing to do, right? But I do have clients that never told their partner that they went to see a relationship coach for a few months. Um, but they learned a new way of being. They took responsibility for their own experience and their relationship, and they changed the dance. And, you know, when we change our way of behaving, our way of acting around the people that we love, they can change, too. You know, Martin Luther King can have a dream that changes a nation, a see, a new CEO can come into a company. And with their vision and their words and them changing the dance of how the company works, it changes the people inside of it. So nobody can tell me that I can't change my family, that I can't change my marriage. Right? So that I can't affect the behavior of the actions of another person. Right? So, um, humans mirror each other. We just do. Science tells us we kind of can't not mirror each other. So if I really understand the, um, the effect, the influence I'm having on my relationship and how I'm choosing to dance, right then I can change it any time I want and create something new.

Daniel Aaron:
Yeah, that's that's like I get goose goose pimples and that's so exciting. Yeah, yeah. And and, I mean, and that just brings it right back to what I was asking a moment ago about personal power. It's like, yeah, if if any one individual can change the dynamics in a, in a constellation, right, in a configuration, whether it's a 1 to 1 relationship, a company, a nation, the world, then that's power. Holy moly. Right. And I love that you used, uh, tango as part of the metaphor there, because I've done a little bit of Latin dance. I never got to tango, though. I heard it described as the dance of four legs and one heart.

Heather Quick:
Oh that's beautiful. Thank you for saying that because I've been using that now I oh.

Daniel Aaron:
It's a yeah. Another layer to that beautiful metaphor. And you know, and then the other part that comes to me is in addition to just the liberating power that that has, you know, that one person can be that catalyst and create the change. Because so often, I mean, I've said it before, at previous times in my life, like, oh, if they would just get on board if they would do this, you know, I'm doing my work and if they, you know, blah, blah, blah, you know, I hear myself now and I want to puke. Um, and I was doing the best I could with what I had at the time. And now I'm doing better because I'm talking to you. Oh, and some years ago, I was, uh, I was in a really dicey point in a relationship, and a coach of mine at that point said, well, you know, if you want to, you could do. And they had a specific protocol called the 90 day Unconditional Love Challenge. Mhm. Right. And I was like, oh yeah. Yeah I, I know about that. And I've heard about it and I watch videos and I read it, I think that's really cool. But you know the thing is my, my partner is just really not showing up. And my coach looks at me and she's like, so should we talk about the unconditional part of those two words? I was like, oh, okay. Yeah. Got it, got it. Um, yeah. Unconditional love. So let's go deeper on that though. I'm really curious. Like, and that's amazing that you said some people like and it's not the right way, but some people might work with you and not even tell their partner that they're doing that yet the relationship changes. Absolutely. So how do you help them? What happened? I'm sure it's different for everybody. But you know.

Heather Quick:
Yeah. Yeah, it's it has some common, um, components. But I wanted to touch on the unconditional love part to share how I love to talk about that, if that's okay. Um, I'd love to separate the love and logistics. Right. So the unconditional love part, um, for me, what I, I can tell when I'm being loving, when I'm being appreciative, when I'm appreciating someone. So for me, no matter who I'm in relationship with, my goal is to be a is to be a like love, to be constant, my appreciation of them to be constant. Um, so my husband, my children, um, my clients, the people, my neighbors, anybody I meet. Right? I do a game, um, when I go on walks where I collect smiles, I smile at people and collect their smiles back like everybody that I get in touch with has 100% of my love. Not for them, but because that's me fully bloomed. Because that's what feels good to me. Because that's what makes my life wonderful. And I'm able to do that if I separate. Love and logistics. Now, the logistics of a relationship are do we live in the same house? Do we go on a date once a week? How's our tone when we talk to each other? What dances are we doing right? And. I am when I am in 100% love, right? Which I'm not always right. This is. This is the. This is the constant awareness for me, right? I'm not saying I'm some perfect, only loving person, but if I can be, um, take full responsibility for being as loving as I'm able in every moment, then my nervous system is calm because there's no chance of losing love, right? And then I'm able to talk about all the logistics, right? I'm able to enter into conversations and have it be we're just figuring stuff out, right? There's no you know, I'm not going to you know, I if people want to get divorced, like I will help you get divorced. I'm not anti divorce I just think. I love what marriage brings out of a human right, what it makes possible for us. So I love to help people stay married.

Heather Quick:
But, um, you know, if Sam and I got divorced tomorrow, there would be no love lost. None at all. Because this is who I want to be in the world. This loving. And when I commit to being that way, then all the logistic stuff, they're just conversations. They're just stuff to sort out. Right? So I guess that's I wanted to bring that in first, because the first layer, when people usually come talk to me, is to let go of taking their partner's behaviors and actions words personally. Right, if, my love. If my actions are a complete 100% reflection of me. And so yours are a complete 100% right expression of you, I should say expression. Um, then it has. Then I'm not responsible. Right? So at the same time that I can change somebody, I'm also not responsible, right, for controlling anyone else's behavior. And so what if I could show up in all my relationships with my love for everyone around me fully intact? Right. And then the next layer is adding on, not taking what my partner does personally. Right. It's not about me. It's just an expression of them. So that's kind of the first step. And that step is a big one. I have to say, if you can just accomplish that one, you are well on your way to this third mountain interdependent state, um, but not taking things personally and then, um, getting committed to win wins.

Daniel Aaron:
Wait wait wait wait wait, hold on, hold on before you go further. Right. Like, um, um, I'm still, uh, halfway up the first mountain here. Okay. Yes. And, uh, and I want to understand better because. Theory. Theoretically, right. And the four agreements don't take anything personally. Yes, that that, of course, makes total sense. Yes, yes, yes. Um, and it seems to me my experience has been I can do you know fairly well with that in a lot of cases or say, with clients or business relationships, even even with my, with my daughter, I can do that fairly well. Um, when it comes to intimate, romantic, sexual relationship, um, it's more challenging for me anyway. And I'm guessing that might be true for some others. And so it you know, why is that? Yeah, it's.

Heather Quick:
Challenging when we connect people's behavior with our understanding of how much they love us. Oh, right. If we disconnect those things, if we disconnect the love and logistics, then we're not questioning how much our partner loves us based on their mood, based on all these patterns they brought right from their childhood, from their past. They're just living out what they know, right? They're just doing what they do. They're doing. They're living out the patterns that have worked for them in the past. And so if I choose to show up that my husband loves me every single day, no matter what, right then all his behaviors are just behaviors, right? And they can be spoken to like that. Now, am I perfect at this? Absolutely not. Right. But um, man, the more I can separate those love and logistics, the more, um, you know, marriage is never going to not be messy. Like humans are never going to not be messy. I'm never going to go a whole year, month, week, I don't know, without snapping at someone in the kitchen because I'm taking stuff out of the oven and the kids are running behind me, right? Like life happens. But if the love and logistics are separated, then I find that we can roll with, you know, whatever little mishaps happen, right? Whatever it is. Not in my highest, uh, wishes for my marriage, for me to snap at my husband. But it's going to happen. And as long as we are both sure that we love each other no matter what, then those little snaps, they. I call it. Um. You ever play Mario Kart? You know that game Mario Kart? So it's like a video game, and you drive along the track and you're going along the track and, um, sometimes, you know, you steer wrong or whatever, and you fall off the track. And what happens is you kind of like, go into the others disappear, and then a minute later the car's back on the track and you can keep going. And the more I separate the love and logistics and I'm, I'm really confident in my love for my husband and his love for me.

Heather Quick:
The less we have to, like, talk through all those little things you snapped at me in the kitchen. I didn't like that. Da da da da da. Those kind of like conversations that have a lot of tension in them tend to dissolve away, and we can give each other a little smile and move right along. Right. Things can just go. Which, you know, that experience of having someone give me grace, right? And giving someone else grace in those moments that those moments have created the deepest. In those moments, I have the deepest sense of belonging I have ever felt. Right? Because somebody knows my heart. Right. Despite my bad behavior, you know, and giving someone else grace in those moments. Right. I like to call, you know, people come and they tell me all about all the, you know, awful things that their partner says. And and absolutely, we're going to change all of that. Right. But let's just what if we were gentler about how we name it? You know, it's really common right now to talk about narcissism and all these terms. Right. That sound really intense and really impossible to get through or over or past. What if when my husband says that thing, he's grumpy. Right. What if giving some grace to the human experience is the best way? Not just that I can love him, but I can love myself right in those moments. And then if I can get through those moments with ease and get right back on the track, then we can have a talk about it later, right? And we can make a vision for how we would love to interact with each other, and we can both work towards it on a daily basis.

Daniel Aaron:
Hallelujah. That's beautiful. And and I love that that you've. Said those L words a few times, right? For us because because like, I never I mean, the concept is something that's fairly familiar to me, though I never heard it in those terms. Right. Love, separating love and logistics or, you know, the other part you said about, uh, separating out their love from the behavior, right? Yeah. Um, and there's a spaciousness and a freedom that comes with that because, you know, I know there's certainly been times in my life when, you know, my my programed way of observing, seeing the world. Right? We see the world not as it is, but as we are, like you said earlier about, yeah, there were positive relationship models around you, but you maybe you just didn't see them. Yeah. Yeah. But like that, that I, it's been for me common in the past to say you know well if they're behaving that way clearly that means they don't love me. Right. And there's just yeah, there's beautiful freedom in being able to separate that out and assuming the best and seeing them in that highest light. That's beautiful.

Heather Quick:
Yeah. And I'm not downplaying the importance of sorting out logistics. Not at all. Right. Let's get them all sorted out. And sometimes that means breaking up, right? I've helped people break up, move on to different relationships. I'm not downplaying the importance of learning a new dance, but if we're if we're constantly upset about the old dance, right, that is usually what's in the way of opening up a new dance, designing it, and starting to live it out.

Daniel Aaron:
Yeah, yeah. Okay, cool. So that brings a question. Um, one is, uh, I have a friend with a with a company, and I love he has this one. It's, it's a, what do you call it, a, um, river rafting company and. Oh, cool seasonal thing. And every, every season, they'll, you know, there'll be some old guides and some new guides, and every season, they'll be like one person that comes like, you know what? This is not working out. I want to quit. So and he'll say, okay, well, let's talk about it. And, you know, and they'll say, well, this is a problem and this is a problem. This is a problem. He's like, no problem, happy for you to quit, but let's do it after we fix these problems. Right? Yeah. So once you've learned to love it that then then, you know, quit, right? Yes. And you know, I meet so many people that are in this place of like. I don't know if we should break up. Right. And and so and you said beautifully like, you know, maybe that is the best thing to do. And if that's, you know what, what's there, then you'll help them with that. So what can you say about for people that are kind of caught in that it's not working, but I don't want to break up. Maybe I should break up. How do. Yeah. What do you think so.

Heather Quick:
You said it beautifully about, um. How. What if we took the time to sort out what was going on here before we made that decision? Because in people who, you know, I think right now it's, you know, 55% of first marriages end. Um, but it's something like 70% of second marriages. And it turns out that we will bring the same patterns into the next relationship, right? Including the pattern of breaking up. Right. So what if when I was in a relationship with my husband and I was really happy, I just played with the possibility and really actually lived into the possibility that maybe I don't have an epic relationship yet because I don't yet know how to create one. Right. What if what? Where? In there, right? Do I not where? Let's find the pieces that. Let's find the parts where I don't yet know how to create and live out and sustain an epic relationship, which is what I really want. And so through that practice, that's actually a freedom right to to drop the shame enough. To actually look inside and look at my own behavior. I remember, um, I had a coach point out where I was being critical of my husband, and I was like, really? That's criticism. I it's I literally couldn't see it yet. Right? That's just how I grew up. People talk about each other that way. That's just the pattern. That's how you do it. Right? And he and so he gently pointed out that's what was going on. And I was like, whoa, what if I just got rid of all of that? I don't know, even, you know, sometimes when you're still just looking at the old dance, it's hard to imagine a new dance yet. But in that moment, I remember we were going on vacation and I said, I, we're on vacation. There's nothing to, like, criticize about here. There's nothing to worry about. What if I took this week and just had no criticism all week and you know, it was meant to be just towards him, but it's hard to do something like just in with one person. And it ended up I dropped criticism of everybody and everything that was going on for the whole week.

Heather Quick:
And my I don't know if anybody else really noticed, but my experience of life absolutely transformed it. I was absolutely, immediately, way more free to connect with people, to show love, regardless of how they were behaving towards me. Um, and all of a sudden I started having new ideas of what I would create instead, right when like when the old thoughts were coming in and I'm like, ah, I'm not going to go along with that one. I'm not going to live that one out. Right? Empty space. New thought comes in and our brains will just create new patterns, right? When we say a strong no to the old one. So, um, yeah, there's so much opportunity in and it's just, um, a choice to step into. Right? If you step into the choice to stop criticizing whatever it is. Right. Um, something new will emerge.

Daniel Aaron:
Beautiful. That's exciting. Yeah, it's all exciting, you know? And I feel like, um, we're we're we're with you climbing the mountains here, and, um, well, you know, I imagine there might be some retracing with some of these first concepts for some of us to do. What? Um, would you take us a little further? Now? What's what's up? The second mountain.

Heather Quick:
So second mountain is, I call it Creator Hood. And it's finding your own inner authority. So, you know, on First Mountain, we're doing the things that we're supposed to do. We all know about that, right? I'm supposed to do this. This is how a relationship is supposed to be. And then what happens is we start collecting like an entire backpack full of novices. And so we're walking around in our relationships and in our life saying, this stinks, that sucks, this stinks. And like we become really fluent and certain about that, which is a beautiful thing, right? To to be complete with this first mountain experience. Second mountain is when we learn to take responsibility for looking at the not this and say, okay, I don't want that, what would I love instead? Right. If I could design this any way, what would I create? And then learning to go first. Right. So that's the whole second mountain. Um, what if I took full responsibility for creating the relationship, or the business, or the body or the life experience that I would really love to have, and then, um, breaking that down into, okay, well, if someone was having that, what would they say? What would they do? What kind of interactions? Whatever it is. Right. Breaking it down and then going first. Right. Maybe your husband, you want to change your relationship with your husband. He's going to do the same thing he's always done, right. What if I showed up and did something different? Right. I didn't wait for him to have a hallelujah moment. Oh, she's right, she's right. She's been right this whole time. I shouldn't put the dishes on the counter. I should put them in the sink. Right. That's my husband and my fight. He likes the dishes on the counter. I like him in the sink. We're still not. Haven't sorted that one out. We just dance with it. Right. But the new dance is me not being offended that the dishes are on the counter, right? What if I showed up differently? So, um. That's the second mountain.

Heather Quick:
It's finding your own inner authority, which, um, 70% of the population does not do. That's what you know. There's a, um, Harvard psychologist, Robert Keegan. 70% of the population does not, um, evolve into, uh, living out from their inner authority. And, um, it's it takes a bit of an awakening. Right. But it is the first major step into personal power so that, you know, when we're doing what we're supposed to do, there's no opportunity for fulfillment. Like, we can check boxes, right? We can say, I did that check, I did that check. I did that check. We're kind of running away from shame all the time. If I don't check the box, then, like, I feel bad about myself. You know, when you end that game and you go to this game of. Being able to look inside yourself at what you would really love to create in the world. And then you take the steps and you create it. That's where fulfillment and satisfaction is available. And so that's if if you never do. Third mountain cool. But man, get to the second mountain and start living a fulfilled life right every day showing up, noticing what you would love, creating it, and experiencing the fulfillment that's available.

Daniel Aaron:
That's beautiful. Well, and in some way, I mean, the way I hear that is it's like it's making the transition from being a victim or at effect to saying, yeah, I'm responsible, I'm the cause here. Um, I think there's that old joke, uh, you know, you're you're out in the countryside and you got lost in the car and you know, you're on like a dirt road and you pull over and some old timer there, and you say, you know, how do I get from here to Des Moines? Or, you know. Yeah. And then the response is, oh, now you can't get there from here. Right. And yeah, you know, so hilarious. Because if it exists, we can get there. Right. Or the way Napoleon Hill said it is, if the mind can conceive it, the person can achieve it. So part of what I hear you saying is just that we can open up to the possibility of saying. It's out there. What would I love to create? And then. Okay, well, what's the first step? Or how do we start moving in that direction? Yes.

Heather Quick:
So what I, um, love, love, love to have people start playing with is I call it a hell no. Yes. And we talked about the not this is like the hell knows. Like we all have them in our relationship, in our life, in, you know, all areas of our life. But what is most powerful is when we can hold the no. Especially when we're communicating with other people. Remember the first time I did this with my husband, I was like, I'm a no to that, but what I want is but wouldn't it be awesome if right, if we just get stuck in the no. We can have those conversations and they feel like crap. Those are the difficult conversations. That's the work that I recommend. No one ever does in their relationship ever again. I only play in my relationship even when we're grumpy, right? It's all play. It's all a choice. It's all designed by us, right? I do not have to work on my relationship. I play in my relationship. And what really helps is me living in the practice of the hell no. Yes. So absolutely, there's things I'm a no to all the time when I bump, when I hook up an amazing yes to it, what I would love is right. And then I describe something that would feel way better for everyone. Something that's a win win for everyone. Then, you know, when people get in the practice of this, they start to notice that it's not actually that hard to get their partners on board. Right. It's hard to get our partners on board for a conversation about how they suck. That's a really difficult. It is so difficult to say all these things suck. They nobody wants to say, yes, take me out to lunch and tell me how I suck. Tell me more, right? Nobody says that, right? But if you say, you know I don't like this. But what I would love is if we had sex this often. And if we did. Right. And you list this, like, beautiful vision, all of a sudden they're like, take me out to lunch and tell me more, right, let's do that. You know, and it really turns, um, really tricky. Difficult, you know, relationships that took a lot of work to cope with. Right. And, and a lot of toleration very quickly into. Yeah, the vibe of play.

Daniel Aaron:
The vibe of play. That's the play. That's awesome. Well, you know, there's the in in Sanskrit, there's a word called Lila, which is sometimes translated as play, and it's sometimes translated as dance or like the cosmic dance. I love that. So it's like in the way you've described the metaphor of dancing so many times in terms of relationship and the different kinds of dance. Like that's another just, just, just just turning a little bit to a different lens. It's okay. We got to work this out. We must process this right. Until we process it, until we puke. Right? Yeah. As in, you know, let's play with this. Like, let's dance with this. That's beautiful.

Heather Quick:
Yeah. What if nobody's wrong and bad?

Daniel Aaron:
Wait. Say that again.

Heather Quick:
What if nobody is wrong or bad? Oh, right. What if we can sit with another person? This is the holding two truth at the same time. Doesn't mean my behavior is not bad. It doesn't mean I didn't make a mistake. But what if we could sit together with nobody being wrong or bad? I call it sitting in the mud, sitting down, being fully human, right? And looking at stuff. If. If the love is all there, if the love is unconditional, then really we can talk about anything, right? If we know we're going to move in a direction of growth, if we're going to move towards a shared beautiful vision, right then Yeah relationship starts to get way, way easier.

Daniel Aaron:
Mhm. Okay. Here's what comes next for me. Yeah, there's, um, I'm sure you know this, but in case anyone else doesn't, there's one perspective on relationship that Harville Hendrix put forward and others did. They call it the, you know, the Imago thing. And it kind of says that who we choose in a partner is just perfectly symbolic of and representative of what we didn't get when we were a kid. Right? Or absolutely right. So, you know, and part of what you just described is, okay, what what if nobody's wrong? What if, you know, what if there's nothing bad here yet? It's so, so common and so easy to, you know, get entrenched. And for a lot of us at times, like, I don't want to admit that I'm wrong, right? Or my behavior was was yucky or whatever it is. Um, you know, what's your perspective on, like, why is it hard for us to sometimes admit we're wrong and how can you know? Or the behavior? Let's put it that way, the behavior is not helping. Um, and what can help that?

Heather Quick:
Well, I think, um, we all are using shame to, uh, understand ourselves in a really big and totally unnecessary way. So shame is meant to, um, is a beautiful human emotion that, uh, will let us know if we've hurt somebody. Right? And if I have hurt somebody, I want to feel a little shame. I want to be sorry. Right. I'm not wanting to live in shame forever about it. Right. But, um, we hook this emotion of shame. And shame is the feeling of. I'm bad, something's wrong with me. We hook it up to so much that it's like, right under the surface. And I think we have this under this idea that if we, um, would admit to our partner that we made a whoops, that we made a mistake, that, yeah, maybe that wasn't, you know, really the way I would like us to interact and I did that, then we would be down in this shame spiral. And so I love, uh, making the commitment to not play the shame game anymore. So that's and it takes so much practice. It takes practice. I'll be practicing it the rest of my life. Um, this is not like a snap. Your fingers make the switch. Um, I work with people for a minimum of six months because this takes lots of practice. Um, but, you know, I have a story. Um, you're starting to get. We're starting to get the third mountain now, um, about how our partners are this exact match for our, um, highest learning. And, uh, when I realized that I started, um, developing this understanding, um, of what would be possible in relationship if we really lived that out, you know, when, um, two bodies join, you know, my husband's sperm and my egg got together, and I have three beautiful babies now, right? And they zipped on up that DNA. Zipped on up. I grew them in my belly. Out they came and out popped like a brand new human. Not like half Sam and half Heather. Right? It was like things blended together. And it's this brand new iteration, right? Evolved version of human that has come out of me.

Heather Quick:
And, um, I think the same is true, uh, like philosophically or spiritually, however you want to talk about what goes on in our minds with each other. So if Sam comes with his understandings and wisdom and I come with my understandings and wisdom, what if we're it's so cool to make these, like, new babies. But what if there's new babies to be made in understandings of the world? What if. Like the way humans think evolves through holding two truths, right? Sam's truth and my truth at the same time, zipping them up and having something new come out. Right. And so to me, that possibility that I could be doing that with another human being all the time, that turns me all the way on. Like if that's a game that can be played. I loved making babies. I love to see what new thing came out. I make thought babies all the time with my husband, and the question that I use is, what wisdom does Sam have that I could use right now? Right. So I'm going to give you an example. I'll tell you a story if you want, about, um, how it was. This was like the I think I remember this so clearly because it was the first time that I really committed to completing the process, and what we were doing was driving to the first day of swim practice with my three kids. And, um, I really like to be on time. And we I could tell on the maps that we were running about five minutes late, and it's the first day and I know everything's going to be fine, but I have like a little tension in me. And Sam is driving and I'm in the passenger seat, and I notice that I'm imagining if I was driving, how I would be doing it. Do you ever do that? Right? Like which we're going a little faster, I wish. Oh, I wish you would have taken that exit. Right. And so I found this tension inside me and I heard the thought I want to. And so I noticed the tension, and I said, I'd like to not have that. Um, and I said to myself, I heard myself think, man, I sure wish Sam would comfort me right now, you know?

Heather Quick:
And I saw how I looked to him and I thought he should be making me feel better about this. And the irony was, he looked over and said, Heather, everything's fine. But instead of making me feel better, I felt the opposite. I was like, what? Don't tell me everything's fine. You know? It was funny how it sometimes I say we in our codependency, we look to our parent to like, partner us, I mean parent us. And so we say parent me, parent me, parent me. And then we say, you're doing it wrong. You're doing it wrong, you're doing it wrong. And so this that was like a cycle of that. And in that moment I said, I see the thing I'm doing. I'm going to do the wisdom integration thing instead. And so I thought to myself, what wisdom does Sam have that I could use right now? Right. And I don't even remember the words, but it was something like five minutes late. It's no big deal. It's going to be fine. You know, let's let's chill. Let's have a relaxing drive. Right? And then I calm down. And I was like, yeah, that's true. He didn't tell me that, right? I didn't say, tell me the wisdom. Right? I know this man. I can tell in his being how he's being right now. Right. He had something available. And so I integrated it with mine. And then instead of sitting in my seat, kind of freaking out, imagine how I could drive differently or better than Sam. I find myself turning around and saying, hey guys, we're going to be about five minutes late. How about you put your goggles on your head right now? How about you make sure your shoes are on? How about you take your t shirt off so that when we pull up, we'll just open the door and you can hop out and go get in your line. Because on the first day they, like, do their swim test. And, um, I saw that in, in that moment I saw that me, if I had just stayed in my own mind.

Heather Quick:
Right. And didn't take the opportunity to integrate my husband's wisdom, I'd have just been stressed and probably gotten more stressed, even if I would have been saying, it's fine, Heather, you shouldn't be worried. Heather. Right? I still that wouldn't have done it. Like I would have gone the whole way and everything still would have been fine. But I'm, you know, most important is my lived experience, right? And all the things that I do when my clients come, the most important thing is their lived experience. And so my lived experience improved when I decided to integrate his wisdom into mine. He didn't even know I was doing all of this right. This was just me. I made a new thought baby, right? And my material results improved. I turned around, sorted things out with the kids, right? And that's what we did. We pulled up, they hopped out, and everything was not just fine, perfect. You know, nothing was wrong. So those are the things like, if Sam is the king and I'm the queen of our little family, of our little kingdom, then I want to be integrating our wisdom all the time, right in service of me, my experience and service to my family and in service of the world. Because now I have that. And you know, our being spreads out three five degrees out into the world, right? So it's important to just yeah, it's important to me, right, to be spreading all, you know, the kind of being that I would love to see more in the world all the time.

Daniel Aaron:
That's beautiful. I love that story and one one piece to follow up with that, because I imagine. Some of our audience might say, oh yeah, that's a good idea. I don't know if I could do that. And I'm imagining that you conceived of making that leap, um, before that, and maybe you had other times where you weren't quite able to or you didn't choose to, or however we say it, what made the difference for you on that occasion?

Heather Quick:
So I'm sure I'd been practicing a bit. Right. Um, and also, I just was really determined. Like, I could see that me being in my own pattern wasn't for the highest good of my experience. Like, I just got so clear. There's these moments, right of clarity where it's like, whoa, I don't want to do that anymore. Right? And when I was so such a no to that, right. That's when. You know, I, I guess I had an openness right to doing it another way. So yeah, it's completely, you know, well, it's a combination of practice and just an internal decision that this is that I'm going to do it differently now. I'm going to dance differently.

Daniel Aaron:
Yeah that's beautiful. Well and that points I mean you said the the no. And the hell yes. And and it points in some way to the, the value of actually feeling the discomfort or the pain or what doesn't work. Right. That can be a good teacher. And I'm, I say often like, you know, as a friend, like if I'm with somebody and they're like, oh man, this sucks. And this is really hard and this is painful. And I'm like, well, you know, as a friend, I'm like, oh man, my heart breaks with you. I'm sorry. And then if I switch over and put a coach hat on, I'm like, oh, this is so good, I know. Right? Like, oh, you know, you know, maybe you've had enough of that crap and this is gonna, you know, launch something new. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Time is flying along. Look at that. 50 minutes. You've got so much wisdom. So what have I not asked you about? Or what else do you want to bring forward that we haven't talked about yet in our last little bit here?

Heather Quick:
So, um, the thing that stuck out to me from when I was filling out the survey about questions before we came, was something about self-love. And I've been thinking about it since then, and it's kind of, um, I've touched on it already, um, about how, like, the most what if so, self love for me, I'll describe what self love is for me. Um, love for me looks most often like appreciation. Also has honesty, honesty and appreciation. Right? But it's not love without the appreciation part. Um, the self for me is, uh, multifaceted, right? And, um, I spoke about this a couple minutes ago, but if I'm a little bit of the surface of the earth bopping around for a bit right then I have self in terms of just me, right? Just this body, just this mind, just this experience. But if I'm a part, if I'm one finger on a hand, right then I also relate to my family unit as just a bigger version of myself. Right? And then I zoom out to my neighborhood, a bigger version of myself, all the way out to what? The world, right? The universe. And so, um, you know, in the Bhagavad Gita, they talk about the little self and the big self. And when, you know, to circle back all the way around to the unconditional love part, if I could share anything with anyone and have it sink in and have them take it out into the world and use it and live it for the rest of their life, it's understanding, right, that we are all part of that big s self and that all love is self love, right? So any time that I'm interacting with. On any scale myself, my family, my neighborhood, the world. It is a function of self love to show up with appreciation for what's there, total acceptance and appreciation and devotion to showing up and creating something better. You know, um, Charles Eisenstein talks about the more beautiful world we know is possible, and I don't even know if it's a more beautiful world that's possible. But I know that I'm always craving what's next, right? And we all have eyes for what could be next, for picking up on the not thises and being the source of the this's right. And so to me that is the ultimate self. Love is living in that process and showing up every single day as as a little being on the planet that, um, yeah, transmutes those things, makes that transition whenever I find it. Not this. Find a this and start going first expressing it.

Daniel Aaron:
Well. That's beautiful. So I'm with you and. Given our time is evaporating here. Yes. And a lot of times I think when, when we're a. A guest or part of an audience and we're like, oh yeah, self love. That makes sense. Yeah. And and then the question might come like, well, but how how do you do that.

Heather Quick:
Yeah. So. The first stage in self-awareness, right is noticing our thoughts and so becoming the witness to your thoughts and then getting really honest about if there was a number line, right, and the middle was neutral zero. Right. And then you go -100 or positive 100 and neutral was no story. Right. Or what a video camera could record. Get really honest about where your thoughts, where your judgments, where your, um, stories you're creating, where meaning making machines, right? We're always making meaning. Always, always, always where they're falling on the number line. Right. And sometimes it really helps to talk to somebody I didn't understand I was being critical of my husband. I just didn't know I thought I was on the zero right. Turns out I was I don't know, it's the numbers are made up. Right. But, um, that's the first I would observe yourself, start observing, start observing the experiences that your thoughts are creating in you. And, um, start learning to, um, be with them without judgment. And when you want to change your experience, pick a new thought. Start designing new ways of thinking about things.

Daniel Aaron:
Yeah, it's all possible. What would I love to design and create? I love it, yeah.

Heather Quick:
It starts inside us. Our whole world is. It sounds so trite, but it's the deepest truth I can express, right? Is that our whole world is an expression of what's going on inside us, and our power is completely, completely sourced from our ability to be with that and make a choice about yeah.

Daniel Aaron:
How to. Hallelujah. Mhm. Okay. Cool. So if I recall correctly, you kindly and generously offered a free gift for our audience. Is that true.

Heather Quick:
Yes, yes. So tell.

Daniel Aaron:
Us.

Heather Quick:
Yeah, yeah. Anyone who reaches out from watching this show, um, I'm offering a free intro to Epic Relationship or intro to Epic Living Call. So they're 90 minutes and they're meant to, um, you know, I can tell you where you are on the number line if you like, but to really zoom in on your not this is in life, right? And start to show you what's possible and help you develop your this is your what's next and, um, put your feet on the path to living them out.

Daniel Aaron:
Beautiful. That's so that's that's not to be judgmental of anybody's choices here, but you'd be an idiot if you didn't take that offer. Come on, folks, I mean, good golly. And that's just one of the most, uh, to me, simplest, most powerful things anybody can do to create a more vibrant, thriving life. One be around people that are vibrant and thriving, and to reach out and get support and help. And especially when someone is amazing, as Heather is offering to do it as a gift. Holy moly. So thank you for that. And we've come. We've come to the point where I will ask you, with your permission, the big question, the impossible, the question that is so big it's impossible. And the reason I say that? Well, let me first ask, can I ask you.

Heather Quick:
Please ask me anything? Yes. Okay.

Daniel Aaron:
So the reason I say it's impossible, it's so big is because, holy moly, you've, you know, we together with you, we've climbed like mountain peaks today. You've got so much knowledge and experience, so much wisdom that you bring forward. And now I ask you to reduce it all, to distill it down to one thing. What's the one thing you would offer that will help people to create a more vibrant, thriving life?

Heather Quick:
One thing I would offer to. Help people create a more vibrant, thriving life is to look towards possibility. That's what I would offer. To take every not this that you have in your life and look inside yourself at what you would love to experience, to create, to bring into the world instead and know yourself as the source. Mhm.

Daniel Aaron:
Well, I could scarcely imagine a more empowering, awesome way to complete this fantastic show. Heather, thank you so much, Yeah one one for investing this time with us. Yeah. Right. Um, and to, just for the, for the courage that you've had in looking at yourself and overcoming the old patterns and doing that work which isn't always comfortable, right, to to make yourself into such a stand for people having amazing, beautiful relationships and lives. Thank you for that.

Heather Quick:
Thank you. Daniel, and thank you for doing this amazing show. You have the most incredible people on it, and you bring such an energy, and you're just spreading all of this important wisdom around the world. You're a treasure. Thank you so. Much.

Daniel Aaron:
Oh, a super kind thank you for saying that. I'll take it. And hey, for y'all, our beautiful, amazing, wonderful audience. Thank you. Most of all, I love you. I love that you are not only interested in creating more vibrancy in your life, you're doing something about it. You're learning stuff. And hopefully you're also saying, yeah, I'm going to apply at least one thing from this. I'm going to take it. I'm going to reach out to Heather, I'm going to create new possibilities. I'm going to you get the idea. There's so much, so many possibilities. So y'all, thank you so much for being here. Please join us again soon. We got more magic to make. And in the meantime, also please you make your life a masterpiece. See you later. Aloha! Mahalo for tuning in to the Art of Vibrant Living show y'all! I'm Daniel Aaron and may you live with great vibrancy.

Sonix is the world’s most advanced automated transcription, translation, and subtitling platform. Fast, accurate, and affordable.

Automatically convert your mp4 files to text (txt file), Microsoft Word (docx file), and SubRip Subtitle (srt file) in minutes.

Sonix has many features that you'd love including transcribe multiple languages, upload many different filetypes, world-class support, automatic transcription software, and easily transcribe your Zoom meetings. Try Sonix for free today.