Special Guest Expert - Fari Gonzaque: Video automatically transcribed by Sonix

Special Guest Expert - Fari Gonzaque: this mp4 video file was automatically transcribed by Sonix with the best speech-to-text algorithms. This transcript may contain errors.

Daniel Aaron:
What does it take to create a vibrant, thriving life? First, the sad news is that Thoreau was right. Most people are leading quiet lives of desperation, lacking in meaning, fulfillment and vitality. But we choose more. We choose to create extraordinary lives. And the art of vibrant living show entertains you with inspiration, empowerment and education to create your life into a masterpiece. It's time. Let's vibe up. Aloha, y'all. I am so delighted to get this opportunity to be with you today. Which, by the way, today is today if you're with us live. And yet today is also now if you're with us by rebroadcast because it's all now and this particular now is such a blessed, amazing one because we have an amazing show for you today. So I am Daniel Aaron and I'm your host for The Art of Vibrant Living Show. My guest today is a fantastic one of a kind, amazing woman and coach. Extraordinary. She is a renowned relationship coach and she, to me is the best kind of of coach or teacher or luminary because she lives it right. And she didn't come from great success or even happiness or thriving in relationship. She earned it by reflecting on herself doing the work that's required. And for y'all that know anything about me, the art of vibrant living is all about creating a vibrant life and not falling into one. It doesn't happen by default. It takes creation. And for most of us it takes a lot of awareness and a good amount of work. So I'm so thrilled that y'all have the chance today to meet and learn from Fari. So with no further delay, we have the great blessing of Fari with us today. Fari, thank you so much for joining us.

Fari Gonzaque:
Thank you for having me. It's wonderful to be here.

Daniel Aaron:
Well, it's a it's a great blessing and I'm already feeling like we don't have enough time. You have so much wisdom and so much to share. So let's let's just jump right into it. On the level of one, I have the great advantage and blessing of knowing you a little bit already. Just a little bit. And I'm so I'm excited to get to know you more for the rest of the folks, though, in our audience who don't know you, would you tell a little bit about who you are and what got you here?

Fari Gonzaque:
Well, I am very gandzak and I am originally from Iran in have lived a life, um, I should say a hectic life started being hectic as of age of like 21 when I entered England and then 14 years later came to America and is now 32 years here. And it's been a roller coaster of life being being maybe because I was Iranian, I don't know. But all of that started and it just gave so much wisdom through all these agonies and pain and then becoming a being in fashion in London, then coming to America 32 years later and being in, um, fitness trainer and then growing bigger, being a fitness trainer and a life coach in Los Angeles and, and becoming a martial artist, all of it. Yoga teacher. And the more I got. Uh, nose and frustration and anger. The more it led me into spirituality. And 32 years later, in America. Uh, I am so blessed to be that transformational relationship coach that I always love to, um, involve and engage some kind of a fitness, breathing meditation, yoga, Pilates with my clients because I'm a yoga junkie and I love working out and I believe, um, any kind of disease is mental. Emotional can be really helped through some kind of a fitness. And that's what has gotten me, me to be where I am today and has been the reason for my success. Because instead of drugs and alcohol, I chose a fitness for myself and hundreds of clients throughout the last 32 years. And there we are.

Daniel Aaron:
Yeah, well, that's a that's a great brief overview and I'm sure we're going to get into some more of the the juicy nuggets of your journey, because I know it's a very rich one that has brought you to this. And, you know, one of the things I said when I was introducing you is. And we've spoken about this a little bit earlier, is part of what I love about you and the way you work with people is what you share is this is my perception. You may see it differently and feel free to correct me, but what you share and how you work with people, it's not coming from your certifications or your degrees or who you studied with, although you, you know, you've trained a lot and you've been with some amazing luminaries and we've, you know, shared some very similar teachers or same teachers rather. But but more what you do is you come from your own experience, right?

Fari Gonzaque:
Correct, 100%.

Daniel Aaron:
You know, one of my favorite adages in coaching and therapy in any kind of leadership is you can't take anybody deeper than you've been yourself.

Fari Gonzaque:
Exactly right.

Daniel Aaron:
Yes. So how has that how has that applied in your in your own life? Like has there been a relationship between your own challenges and the work that you bring? And if so, any examples you could share?

Fari Gonzaque:
Oh, like how how long do we have? It's like I can write a book about it. Actually, I am about to write a book about it. But yeah, it's so much it's like, you know, 45 years ago, leaving Iran as a very innocent girl, just wanted to go to England and just being in England and find my own way, my own life. I did not want to follow their parents dream for their children. And then things went wacko in Iran and then it put trouble on like, you know, it had so much dilemma for all of us Iranians outside of Iran. And one of the biggest problem is that when they constantly say no and you're a bad person, you're a bad girl because you're from the Middle East, you're from Iran and all of that, It created so much pain in my body, which I think I think I was like 27, eight years old in London. That I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia and going through that agony and that pain. And at first you just say, God, why me God and stuff like that with all that pain and all of that. Many years later, looking forward to it and looking back to it. And you can see that, oh, when I became a trainer in America and I'm dealing with people that they have these kind of diseases and autoimmune diseases that they have. How much it made me realize, Oh, I ended up having to be challenged by fibromyalgia because I don't want to say I have fibromyalgia, I don't own it. I've always been fighting it. And because of it, um, it allowed me. To feel the pain and the agony that the person was going through with the fibromyalgia. And then I could share my wisdom with them, my experiences with them, and blessings from heaven, because I've always been into fitness. Then I used a ton of workout and a ton of fitness to deal with this awful disease, which is called fibromyalgia. And that was one of my gifts. Oh, how I talk always. And I if I have to be interviewed anywhere. I said, how I said is that? I said, How do you find your gift through your traumas and challenges?

Fari Gonzaque:
Because we always want to say, Oh no, you don't know. What I went through was worse than you and worse than this. First of all, it's not a matter of comparison. Is a matter of you have this challenge, you have this problem. Somebody had you however way, let's find a gift in it. There is a gift no matter how deep the problem is, or fast forward. I had a car accident and I was the driver and my best friend who was visiting me in America two years after I came to America. She was at the back of the car sleeping without a seatbelt on. And I talk about it comfortably now, but it's been 30 years ago. So I went through so much trauma when she got thrown out of the car and she went brain dead. And God, what I went through that. And because of it, because of the accident at UCLA, they diagnosed me with ADHD and dyslexia. I had no idea what they were. And then I had to learn about it. And because of it, I ended up helping so much people to this day with ADHD, with dyslexia, and had I not gone through that accident, I wouldn't have learned as much as I learned I wouldn't have been able to be a help for people that just like me for years. I said I created the accident. I didn't. I was the driver and I didn't know that I had the ADHD. So it's a ton of gift in every agony that we go through. I talk about it when I talk about it. It's like 30 years ago, but I don't think there is any time in my life that I don't think about it and I don't think about my friend. And I just think having so much sorrow is not going to be helpful to anybody. But what do I do with the result of it and become so much more help for others to others?

Daniel Aaron:
Yeah, that's beautiful. Well, and I so honor and appreciate you for overcoming that, you know, and I don't mean overcoming as in like, dismissing, but overcoming as in I'm not going to let that drag me down. I'm going to learn from it and become better and serve the world better. That's the way I hear you, right?

Fari Gonzaque:
It did take me down. It did knock me out completely. But even through that later stage, it was so many lessons to be learned.

Daniel Aaron:
Well, and that's a great point you bring up because I don't know how this is for you, but I know I've experienced this and many of my clients have too, especially when we've, you know, we've embarked on the spiritual path and we've learned to meditate and we've done the work of Byron, Katie or whatever it is. Then when something occurs in life, which, you know, part of us knows is to make us bigger, to greater, to open our hearts more so we can love more, so we can be more resilient when something like that occurs that knocks us on our ass in that moment. Part of what can happen, you know, I've seen this again myself and with others is then we're like, Oh, I shouldn't get knocked on my ass. You know, I should, I, I should know better. Have you had any experience with that?

Fari Gonzaque:
Oh, my God. I became suicidal. I became suicidal after the accident. It was awful. I mean, yes, you just say every question mark comes in there for you. Why did I do it? I should have done it differently. Why? It was like this. Why was it It's so much animosity through our thoughts that comes to us. But then again, you learn later stage that this is your thought of the situation is not the exactly the situation and what you go through. It is just that what you learn from it.

Daniel Aaron:
Absolutely. Yeah. Well, and let me rephrase my question a little bit, because I think there's another piece we can pull out of this, which is part of what I hear you saying is and again, tell me if this is accurate, but is that you did get knocked back, right? It did bring you down for a while. Right. And and the way I hear you expressing it is like, well, maybe on some level you needed that time of going down or that it was okay. And and that that was part of what allowed you to rise higher. Does that make sense?

Fari Gonzaque:
Yes. You know what? You don't need to go down. You know, you said maybe you needed to go down there. Nobody at any given moment wants to think that they need to go down with trauma as bad as my brain, my friend, my best friend going brain dead. Nobody needs it. But it's amazing how through having a good time and everything comfortably coming to us, we never grow. Sadly, the growth. Always happens through catastrophe. Heart ache. Um. Devastation. Disappointment. Rejection. And what I learned from Byron Katie, whom I love and adore. She says rejection is a redirection. And I've written it down. What else do I say? It says rejection redirection. It says rejection is protection. So these were lessons that I wouldn't have ever known that. How did that redirect me? Until later stage. I got it. Did? Not just be a trainer that you say, Yeah, do for more. Yeah. Get muscles on your arms and all of that. It made me want to work with people that they're working out because they're dealing with cancer, with stroke, with broken heart, with devastation. And as I was working them out for them to imposter syndrome, that it is so humongous in this world. And when I was working these people out and it was just like. So life giving for them because of everything that I was going through with myself. And when I wanted the support, I had the no support. And really, I had to find my own hard way to learn from it. And today, or those days, many days ago, it was how it came about that it made me realize what it is to be a support for somebody, what it is to lift somebody up, what it is to help someone. But I had the imposter syndrome kicking me in the butt that, Oh, you kill that woman, you caused the accident, you're not good enough and all of that. And I had to find my way of how I am worthy of more. Um. I am a good person. I wasn't a murderer. And this thought was in my.

Fari Gonzaque:
You're a murderer. You killed somebody. You know, this negativity comes in, and then how do I turn that into positivity and how do I get the fruit of this accident so I can go and share others that they are going through that And they didn't have to go through my painful path. That's what I always say. What I do today is that I help others not to go through my very painful path, which then many years later, it brought so much animosity for myself. Anger tantrum. Oh my God, I was a bomb of anger and frustration because I had no one to help me. And the only thing that helped me, I. I say that respectfully to everybody. I don't believe in religion, but I believe in God. I believe in spirituality. I there wasn't a day that I didn't talk to my God and there's only one God. I don't know what people say that you have many gods. I don't know what that means. And I always said, God, show me the way. And somehow, somewhat, it's like God knows it all. My way of being shown was always my support. And as a spirituality, it all came to me through some kind of a workout when I went absolutely wacko and crazy with all that. The martial art God opened to me and then I started the martial art and then I became a teacher of it. Then I got my black belt at the age of 46, you know, And then it was the yoga, then it was the Pilates, then it was all of that. Every answer to my disappointment and to my broken heart came to me through fitness because and bless my father's soul, that he was such an athlete, an athletic of his own time. I. Do they know how to go towards drugs and alcohol? The fitness was always the drug of choice for me, if you know what I mean. And I want it. Like I always say, working out for me is my daily cocaine. I don't even know what cocaine is, by the way. I've never seen it. If you show it to me, I wouldn't know it.

Fari Gonzaque:
I have no idea what they are. But my workout in different ways was what saved me. And then I use that to this day to help people. To save them. So then again, they don't have to go through my painful, painful path.

Daniel Aaron:
That's beautiful. Well, and you know, you're doing for your clients and the people you serve through the the many ways that you help people you're doing. You know, just what Byron Katie has done for so many of us in your in your passing on that that beautiful gift of easing people's pain. I had I had the I had the great experience years ago. I had there was a wonderful teacher who's passed now, but Norman Vincent Peale, who was famous for the power of positive thinking. And I happened to stumble into his work because his son was a professor of mine in college. Oh, wow. So he told me about it. And that was my introduction into this world of, Oh, there's a different way of thinking. And then later, as I learned more about Dr. Peale, the senior Dr. Peale, he was in his 80s and he had just come from leading a seminar. And somebody interviewed him afterwards and said, Oh, well, Dr. Peale, you know, you're I think he was 86 at the time. Why Why are you still doing this? And he looked at the questioner like like he was a little bit crazy and said, because people are still hurting.

Fari Gonzaque:
Mm hmm.

Daniel Aaron:
And, you know, and that's just it's amazing that you and Dr. Peale and Byron Katie and so many people are just so willing to put yourself forward in order to help people. And on that note, I want to go back to something you said earlier. So many cool things that you've opened up that we could talk about. The one particular something that I share about audience I share about with my audience often is the imposter syndrome. And so and because maybe not everybody knows what that is, and you might have a different take on it than I do, too. Would you say a little bit about what that is and how you see it and how you work with it?

Fari Gonzaque:
Sure. First of all, I think imposter syndrome. I don't think I know for sure. Imposter syndrome is that everybody deals with it. And if somebody says, Oh, I've never had imposter syndrome, they haven't looked closely at themselves, that's like, really? It's not possible. Everyone forgot what her last name is. Doctor Linda Um, there's my ADHD kicking in that I forgot the last name. And she's a professor at Harvard, and she was talking about, um, how imposter syndrome is just like, everybody has a nose and has a mouth. Everyone at some point in life, they go through imposter syndrome. But what do you do with it? And the imposter syndrome is like, I've had this so many clients, Oh my God, they have money more than God. They are multi-millionaire. And they just say, But I'm not good enough. But I can talk there. But oh, no. Look at the way they're looking at me. Oh, no, I can't fit in this place. I don't matter. Oh, no, they don't like me and I don't know how to talk there. And it's all of that. I am not good enough in different formats. Comes for people that. No, no, no, no. And they are so attached to whatever it was told or done to them when they were a kid. And they take that with themselves. And as I said, they can be super wealthy, super successful, and yet they feel they are not good enough or someone. No, no, no, I can't do that. And either they're overweight or they smoke a lot or they drink a lot. Or one of them is honest to goodness. This man, super handsome, super tall. God knows how many hundreds of millions of dollars. He goes with a book with himself everywhere, restaurant with his wife and anywhere. If there is anybody sitting with him and he's like this and he doesn't want anybody to see his face and he goes like that. The only thing he does, he orders food. He doesn't want to talk to anyone. And and I said so many times. Why? Is all to do with the upbringing and when they don't know how to drop that, that I'm not good enough.

Fari Gonzaque:
And that needs help. That needs healing and. I. Constantly say that drugs and alcohol is not the solution for. For it. How do you help it? Through different kinds of workout. If I say someone who is really suffering to sit there and breathe and meditate and do breath of fire and all of that, when they're done, they're exhausted. They're still in the same shoe. But what do they do with their body and their breathing at the same time is that it can be such a savior to their sanity. And imposter syndrome is like like your haircut. I always say you cut your hair today, six weeks time, you have to go and have it cut again. Imposter syndrome. It goes up and down, in and out. You walk out of it and it comes back to you again. And it's the consistency of you recognizing it. When you say, Oh, no, I don't want to go there. Oh, no, look, they're talking behind my back. Oh, no, no, I don't matter. They don't like me. I don't matter. Nobody wants me or look what they said that that person said that because they think of me, this and that. We say that so often and all of that there are different branches of the imposter syndrome. And to deal with that, it's so much to do with your physical activity combined with your breathwork, combined with your meditation. You can't just sit here forever, go like this and breathe as much as you want until you go blue. Anything is going to be resolved. No. How do you engage your body in it? And to deal with it. And I've seen time and time over how people get changed when they physically get involved in that. And I say alcohol is not the answer. Um, smoking is not the answer. Drugs are not the answer. Sleeping a lot isn't the answer. Gambling and shopping. Shopaholic is not the answer. But one person has to recognize it and wants need to be that person. Decide about what? Wanting and accepting help in order to get rid of it.

Fari Gonzaque:
And that's, again, temporarily. It won't go forever. It comes back and then again you do it.

Daniel Aaron:
Well, I'm so with you. I think that's beautiful what you said and so valuable for everybody to hear, because, again, it's easy for some of us to think, oh, I've done the work or I should be beyond this now, you know, and we don't have. Well, okay, I do. I have the thought that my hair isn't going to I don't need to cut my hair. That's not true. Actually, I shave every day, you know, every day or every six weeks one way or the other. But, you know, my thinking is, well, one, it's beautiful that you say this is something that everybody experienced. Well, you know, if you're alive, if you have a body, okay, then then you're going to experience imposter syndrome. And it's something that everybody's going to repeatedly experience in their life. And my thinking and tell me how this lands for you is that, well, that's like part of the ingenious design of Spirit sit in a body because we are designed to continue to grow and expand and become more love and more beauty and more joy. And so, yes, life brings us these challenges or problems or it brings us opportunities where we say, oh, I don't know if I'm as big as that. And then we figure out, Hey, wait a minute, I'm bigger than that thing, I'm better than that. And so we grow and expand. Is that is that square with you, that way of looking at it? Yeah.

Fari Gonzaque:
It's all a matter of expansion. That is the growth is the expansion. Like when I talk to people that they're really suffering from imposter syndrome. And they said, Would you mean it's going to come back to us? I said, Look, you don't eat once a day and then say, okay, I'm fine for the next month. You don't shower today and say, I'm fine for the next month. Few hours later, you have to shower again. A few hours later you have to eat again. Few hours later you need to sleep. The same thing with this imposter syndrome. It comes and then you need to help it to go. But you have to recognize it and you have to be willing to want to recognize it rather than just fighting it. How do I deal with this? Is the question. And watch what one is willing to do, what action one is willing to involve in however they want to deal with it, which I always say finishing a bottle of whatever it is they drink, it only makes it worse. It numbs you for a while. But then after effect is so much worse than before it. So all these, as I call it, the external things like the drugs and alcohol. There just was.

Daniel Aaron:
Yeah, absolutely. Well, and you know, I love your emphasis on the physical experience. You know, a couple of things that come to mind, I think of like a lot of people know about Tony Robbins. Right? And he is a great example of somebody who also has really struggled and really worked on himself and his I think his most famous story of overcoming when he had gotten really fat and his life was really bad, his breakthrough moment. You know, I've heard him tell this story 15 times was when he finally got to the point and he couldn't take it anymore. And then he went on this just epic run. And it was when he got the energy moving. That was what triggered a different way of thinking and a different way of looking at the world.

Fari Gonzaque:
Exactly.

Daniel Aaron:
And, you know, and I hadn't thought of it this way before, so I'm really excited that that what you've brought forward here, because I often speak about, okay, here's here's the deal. We got the human animal part of us oriented towards survival, right? The 2 billion year old brain, that part that resists change. And then we've got this human spirit part right, which is invincible and loves adventure and is only love. And as long as we are in the body, while we still have to do the things that take care of the body, including taking care of ourself with food, including the exercise component. If we want to allow the spirit to have its its potential in us.

Fari Gonzaque:
Yeah, well, that's. A doorway for the spirit to, to doing the work in you. That's the doorway. Yeah. You know sitting and eating your face out and just eat as much as you want and all that. How has that ever helped anybody, really? I used to be a very, very fat kid myself growing up. Yeah, me too. Oh, my gosh. I was so big. I'm short. I'm barely five five, and I was like 205 pounds when I went to England, you know, And I was a miserable girl because I was eating all the depression and all that imposter syndrome. I was gobbling it down with food. And then once I managed to go to England at the age of 21, I. They didn't want food. But all I wanted to do in England, they have these unbelievable parks and it's gorgeous and it's so green. And I was jogging with the wrongest shoe ever. Those days 45 years ago, nobody said you have to wear hooker shoes and, you know, a special insole and all of that. What did it matter what I got under my on my feet? I'd be going running and jogging forever and walking in the rain and just going to the pool and coming out and then again going run. And it was like when I'd be going home. I'd be just said, Oh, wow, I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to eat anymore. I don't need that cake to gobble it down. I used to eat sugar like, unbelievable. And it was so amazing. I think it was nine months after I got into England and I worked out until God knows how much time I worked at in in there and I lost like 50 pounds. You know, because there was no need for food. And I started feeling better about myself.

Daniel Aaron:
All right. Well, let me let me interrupt you for a second there, because I'm super curious on this one, because having also been a fat boy and my.

Fari Gonzaque:
Oh, yeah, I was.

Daniel Aaron:
And it was, you know, and it was the most miserable thing ever. I mean, of course it was it was a symptom of a greater issue and a greater misery. But the symptom also brought a host of other sources of misery. Right. Because as a fat boy, a lot of criticism. And people picked on me and made fun of me. And, you know, and I looked at my and that was a good reason to think of myself as worthless and all of that. And for me, it was similar. For me, it was also it was martial arts, actually, when I was 16 that got me to start moving and then start feeling, thinking and seeing myself in the world differently. But I want to go back to you in England, right? Because, I mean, this is amazing and I love that you said that far, too, because you there's a way that you're so strong and convincing in when you say when you say, you know, alcohol and overeating and gambling, these things are not the solution. And I thought for a moment I was like, gosh, I wonder if somebody that's doing that now might feel like, oh, she doesn't understand, Right. But she.

Fari Gonzaque:
Does.

Daniel Aaron:
It well, clearly. Right. Because, I mean, 205 pounds at five foot five when you were a young woman, that's, you know, that's not a little bit pudgy. That's like that's that's going to a level like I can relate to.

Fari Gonzaque:
So I struggled.

Daniel Aaron:
I bet. But. So what was it, though? What, like what what made the change for you? Because you I mean, most people just keep going that way for their entire lives. What what changed for you? I know you started moving, but what got you to start running around the UK?

Fari Gonzaque:
Because I wanted to move. I wanted to work out in Iran. I wanted to be that active person, but my mom wouldn't let us. I would go for a walk for as long as I wanted. I remember they just my school called my mom and then said she's unbelievable when she's playing volleyball and she should be in the team. She's amazing. My mom said, What? No way. I will not be able to control her. No, no. Maximum. She can just go for a walk. And we had a pool in my parents house and she can go to the pool. She wouldn't let me. And then one of our four cousins called and said, Look, she needs to come and play with us. Tennis. She's good. She has all that energy. Let her. No way. They wouldn't let it. And I knew that I wanted to do that much. And we had a neighbor growing up. She's my best sister today. She lives in New York. And her and I, we could only go for the longest walk, but it wasn't just enough. I needed to do more and my mom wouldn't let me. So when I went to England, there was no mother to watch me anymore. So I did it all. I was like, I didn't even have money at that time. But I hired this guy for for tennis and it was pouring with rain. So when it wasn't raining, he would teach me a little bit and to play tennis there. And then he goes, You can go indoors and so on. Play Scott squash, let's go play. Squash is cheaper. And then you know, when you want to do it, you find ways of doing it, whether you want to work out or you want to get drugs. People, drug addicts, what do they do? They look at everywhere to find anywhere that they can. My drug was that I wanted to work out so I would find ways of finding it to the cheapest way possible to do squash, to go and play tennis, you know, and then later stage in life as I worked and and more money then I did more. And the more I got physically active and I wanted to run, I wanted to swim. I that was the genes that I had inherited from my father. But it wasn't being appreciated in Iran, the good old days, and I couldn't do it. And then I discovered it later in life and I embraced it and I became it.

Daniel Aaron:
That's that's beautiful. And as you describe it, I picture you like, all right, strange little story. But I think it'll make sense here. I have an amazing dog, a little poodle mix. And from the time she was a little puppy, I would take her out on the beach twice a day. And. And she just loved to run. So I would take the ball and, you know, throw the ball for her. She would run and run and run. And then I realized by the time she was about a year old and mostly fully grown, she is like an elite level athlete. And so if we go a day without her getting exercise, she starts to like run around the living room and she's like, Come on. I got a.

Fari Gonzaque:
Use this body.

Daniel Aaron:
So then one day I had a friend who said, you know, you might like to get a animal psychic reading and learn about her and communicate with her. I was like, Yeah, that'd be great. I'm into it. So I have this reading and the woman says, Oh, my dog's name is Kiki. The woman that, given the reading says, Well, Kiki is really happy with you. She loves the freedom. And her previous life she was I don't know what the name of it is, but she was like a she was kept in a cage to keep breeding like she was a puppy factory, you know, dog. And she just, like, hated being caged up all the time in there. And so now that she has this freedom, she's so happy. And so when you describe yourself going to to England and you're like, Mom is not holding me back.

Fari Gonzaque:
Not anymore. Yes. That's amazing. I was that dog. I was that free spirited woman that just wanted to run and grab and do and be. And at that time, like when I was doing all of that, that was the time. That was my. Prayer time. I was conversing with God like at all time when I worked out and I became an excellent tennis player in England and I became a great squash player in England. And I. It was wonderful. I had a wonderful life of being so busy being active until I came to America. And then there you go. The fitness became my job for 30 years.

Daniel Aaron:
Well, you made a beautiful Segway for us because I was just, you know, so much great stuff to speak about with you. And you came to America and yes, you became a luminary in different aspects of fitness and body health. And I think even more interesting and valuable to talk about. Well, it's all valuable is you. You also got married at some point, right?

Fari Gonzaque:
That was my this is my second marriage. I got married in England. Okay. And I got divorced in England. And then I came to America, and I just decided, you know what? Growing up was so difficult. And it was so painful for me that I decided I'm not having kids. I didn't want to have children. And I'm so I love all the kids in the world and I love and adore my nephews and my nieces and thank God that I have them. But it was the best decision that I made not to have kids. And then I met my current adorable husband that I have now. We've been together five years. So I just thought, I don't want to be committed to any man. And I just was working like crazy, having a good time, exercising and just not being committed to anybody. Until five years ago when I lived, when I met the love of my life, which I didn't appreciate him when I met him first, you know, that was one of my biggest lessons that I learned in life.

Daniel Aaron:
Well, that's that's exactly it. I'm here because I've heard the way you speak of him. I've heard how he speaks of you. I've seen you interact even just a little bit. And what I know is that's not how most people are treating each other that are married. Right. The fact is, most people in relationships are not loving each other nearly to their capability or, you know, even a lot of times it's worse than being alone. I think what I see with so many relationships, but what I understand from you is and you just said you didn't appreciate him when you first met him in some way. So but you have such an extraordinary relationship. What was the journey with that?

Fari Gonzaque:
Well, again, don't forget. We are. Seldom do we see we as people of like 50 and 40, 40, 50, 60. I'm in my 60 year old dad. They have amazing parents that mean they can be amazing parents to them as a kid. But the wife and I mean the mother and the father would have an amazing relationship. So we're not raised seeing this lovey dovey relationship. Right? I didn't. And there was a massive animosity between my parents and huge age difference as well. So I was raised with a ton of animosity, a ton of anger, a ton of frustration. I hated being in that house. I couldn't wait to get out of the house. So I carried all that anger with me. And I went through my first divorce in London. And he was he is a nice guy. He's not dead yet. So he's I shouldn't say he was he is a nice man. He really is a nice man. And I was definitely a major part of the issue. And then I left. And when I just wanted to be by myself and have a free life and just go through as many guys as I wanted to without any commitment. So when I met my husband five years ago, um, I'm still being that angry soul when it comes to relationship. And my husband, if there is a walking god somewhere that somebody says, This is God, that's my husband. He's this man with nothing. But how tall is he? I think he's 510 and is his whole five. Ten body is one big, massive golden heart. Is this just joy of life that I'm so blessed to be with? And I didn't want to listen to him. I didn't want to see him. I was still busy entertaining my anger and frustration. And no matter how nice and patient he was with me, I was busy feeding my anger and I didn't want to realize how much I am operating from the ex frustrations. And I'm not living in this present moment and I wasn't being the true self that I wanted to be. And, um, one day, six months into our relationship, I hope he doesn't mind me saying that, but he walked out on me and he left me and I was just like, fine, go.

Fari Gonzaque:
No problem. Many, many guys out there who cares about that, you know? And four days later, um, God bless my younger sister that called me and goes, You're crazy. This guy is unbelievable and blah, blah. So I called my husband and I had always told him, I've never called a man ever in my life and say sorry, ever. And he knew that once he's gone, I'm not going to call him. Four days later, I called him and I just said, because my sister told me to do it. And I thought, you know what? You're right. He's actually a nice guy. Why am I doing this? You know? And, um, he was shocked that I called him to cut the story short in the. I just said I'm calling out of vulnerability, and I just want to share with him my vulnerable side, and I just want to apologize to him. And he was so nice enough to say, Hey, what are you doing for dinner? So we got back together and exactly the first year of a pandemic, we got married and I was still being that angry soul, frustrated, just didn't know what to do with myself. And I walked up to him and I said, We need to get divorced. I this doesn't work. You know, I can't handle it. And then I got to read Byron Katie's book. He says, Loving what Is. And when I was reading that book and I said, Yeah, you dare. You telling me to do the work and making me feel bad and telling me it's all my fault. And Hey, Byron, Katie, who do you think you are? And in my head and I'm fighting Byron. Katie at the midst of reading that book. Then this book came to me. It's called The Ultimate Coach. And Amy Hardison has written this book about her husband, Steve Hardison. And when I read that book, there is I mean, I didn't read the book. I just went as I was just got the book. And I said, Why is a thick book? And I said, Who's going to read 500 pages? Are you kidding?

Fari Gonzaque:
And I just would whiz through the chapters. And I said, Oh, there's a chapter love in it. And I opened the chapter up and I was reading it and I thought, no. And I wanted to fight the book. And I said, No, no, you can't be doing that. No way. No, this is not right. No, no, no. And then I thought, who am I saying no but to myself? Who am I fighting but myself? There is no mother and father around me, and I'm trying to bashing this guy and ignoring how great he is. And really, this chapter love, which is chapter 35 if anybody wants, should read the book of the Ultimate Coach, uh, written by Amy Hodson. And chapter 35 is called Chapter Love that chapter. Completely changed me 1,000%. That chapter changed me and is like that chapter brought me to me. It brought me to have peace within myself. And that's why I say I'm a transformational relationship coach, because if I didn't find a way to find the peace within me. And want to have that quiet, loving time to myself and want to learn how to forgive myself. I couldn't be a good partner to somebody else. I couldn't be a good daughter to my mother. I couldn't be a better sister. I couldn't be a good auntie. And all of that. That just one chapter in that book. Completely. Took that angry soul fairy back and brought somebody else. That is this present moment of me. And through that I learned. To not only apologize to my husband. 70 times. And you never used to get me saying sorry. This would have never happened. I will not say sorry because. What do you mean I wouldn't say sorry? And. Gradually I learn how to not only to say sorry repeatedly. Learning that yelling and screaming is not the answer. Threatening is definitely not the answer. And. Coming from a place of love. That made me realize how much I have forgotten to be that feminine fairy and how much I'm being that black belt in taekwondo that I want to kick and break and do whatever.

Fari Gonzaque:
And I'm angry at you because I'm earning so much money. Go ahead. Go to hell. And all of that was there just because I was earning six figure and I thought, I have the world to myself. Well, not my husband. He wouldn't have it. He would not have it. And I thought. I have to change me or I'm going to lose him. And fast forward. Thank God for his, um, solid love for me that he gave me that chance for me to figure me out in today. He is the love of my life. He is my backbone. He is the oxygen in my lungs. Um, the same way that Steve Hudson talks about his wife, Amy is exactly. I talk about my husband. So proud of him and so in love with him. And that's what gets me to be a transformational relationship coach because I always come and say, How are you relating to yourself before you want to have a partner in your life? How do you relate to yourself? How do you relate to your anger and frustration and imposter syndrome and madness and sadness? And how do you resolve all of that in order for you to become a better person to yourself and then to others? And that's where we are. That's why I have immense love and respect for my husband. And I owe it all to that chap, the love and ultimate coach. I owe it to the lost breath of mine that that saved me. And I always encourage everyone to read it.

Daniel Aaron:
Well, that's. That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing all that. And I'm with you and echo your appreciation for for Steve and for the book. And that's how we met is through that community. And it reminds me of one of my teachers from years ago used to say this thing that's always stayed with me, which is. If somebody is ready to wake up, it doesn't matter what technique they use. And if they're not ready to wake up, it doesn't matter what technique they use. Right. Because, you know, and I think of like Byron Katie's story. Right. And she was just she was so over it. She had so much pain. And I mean, and just in case people don't know this part, I'll say it briefly. She was at the, you know, checked into a halfway house, sleeping on the floor because she didn't feel worthy to get on the bed. And the way she describes it is a cockroach crawled over her. And that was the moment that she woke up and saw a whole different way of being in the world. And, you know, in the way you describe it is, I mean, years of of this struggle and lack of worthiness and anger and fighting and fierce independence and and even with, you know, your beautiful husband showing up for you repeatedly, you were you were still ready to, you know, cut it out. But then that chapter. Right. So you were you were ready. And that chapter was like the just what the shaman ordered for you in that moment.

Fari Gonzaque:
Yes. The Book. Of Byron. Katie says, Loving what is. When I read that book a few times, I read it, I think maybe about four times I read it. It kind of like started to soften me, to prepare me, but I didn't know what I was getting prepared for. And then the Book of Ultimate Coach came in and it prepared me for that. And as Byron Katie said it himself, I had the pleasure of herself. I had the pleasure of being with her for ten days and silent retreat last March. And she was saying by some grace. And to this day she doesn't know what was that. She goes by some grace. She managed to get up and it's like I found that grace that Byron, Katie talks about, that Grace was in this chapter, Love for me, some grace in that chapter. Love brought my attention. To my frustration and my anger and allowed me to want to let that go. Not that I'm not saying I don't get angry anymore. Oh, yes, I do. But I don't get angry with my husband. I just sometimes get upset and mad at him and I just walk away and I go to the gym or I just do something and I might say something that it upsets him. And I just take ten minutes of a break and the very first thing I do, I make sure I send him a text. I said, I apologize. I love you. You know, that happened last week. We went to a dance class together. We were just learning the lining dance. And I just very loving, funny way. I just said, Oh, you're standing here like a statue. He couldn't move. And it really bothered him. And at first I said, Oh, why is he bothered? But that's nothing. I was just joking and all of that. But I was in the gym and then when I started working out, I said, How would you feel if somebody says that to you? Why are you ignoring that you embarrassed him and you want to fight it? He was gone. I sent him a text. Please forgive me. I apologize. I would never mean anything to hurt you. I love and adore you. You're my everything. And he's always gracious in us that before I send the text, he had already forgiven me and that was over. But what it does do, it makes me become more careful with what I want to say about him, that it doesn't embarrass him and doesn't make him uncomfortable. And that's what it takes. It takes two to tango. And that tango has to be always on a solid, loving ground if you want to say only my way or a highway. It's never going to happen.

Daniel Aaron:
Yeah. Beautiful. That's so inspiring and so touching. And sadly, we're coming up against the clock, so shame. Um, well, great. And, you know, we can. We can connect again. You've got so much to share so far. What is the best way for, you know, people watching this are going to want to know how they can get in touch with you. What's the best way?

Fari Gonzaque:
The best. You can always email me at Fairy at Fairy Transformation, and that's an email. And they can always go to my website. It's one word Fairy transformation W-w-w dot fairy transformation.com and you easily will find me.

Daniel Aaron:
That's awesome. All right. Well, and I recall that you were generous enough to offer a gift for our audience. Sure. And would you be up for saying what that is?

Fari Gonzaque:
Sure. I have a freebie that if you go to my website or we can put it on a link tree here and that it says from destruction to construction. And you can also read that. And if you go through the website, then it leads you to like three very short videos of me, like maybe 2 or 3 minutes videos. And when you see those through, then it allows you to send me an email and then I will give you a 30 to 40 minutes of free coaching.

Daniel Aaron:
Wow, That's that's awesome. That's an incredible value and super generous of you. Thank you. Sure.

Fari Gonzaque:
So you have to spread the love.

Daniel Aaron:
Yeah, I'm going to take you up on that. I you know, I got a lot to learn, more to learn from you. So last question. This is the big question. Are you are you ready? Can I ask you the big question?

Fari Gonzaque:
Go for it.

Daniel Aaron:
All right. So you've shared so much. You have such a rich history. You've done so much work on yourself. If you had to boil all of that down and advise our audience, give them something as to what's the one thing, the best thing that they can do or not do to create a vibrant life? What's that one thing?

Fari Gonzaque:
Life is always about the choice and choices we make. Choose wisely. And when you get angry and frustrated before you open your mouth, whatever you were about to say, think about it. Would you like to hear those words being said to you? Before you say it. That's all.

Daniel Aaron:
That's. That's awesome. Can't go wrong with that. I'm with you. Well, it's such. Such an honor and pleasure to be with you. I'm so grateful for you. Thank you for sharing so much here with us today. And to all the our viewers and those who are listening in by rebroadcast, thank you not only for being here and sharing this time with us. Thank you for your dedication, your interest in creating a vibrant life. And please, please know that that attention you put on that the work you do, it makes a difference even beyond your life. That would be a worthy aim unto itself and the changes and upgrades you make in your life. They have a ripple effect in the world and that is beautiful. And that's part of the solution. And I'm really grateful to you for that. So with that, we will bid you all adieu and see you next week for another amazing show. Thanks, y'all.

Fari Gonzaque:
Aloha. Thank you.

Daniel Aaron:
Mahalo for tuning in to the Art of Vibrant Living show, y'all. I'm Daniel Aaron and may you live with great vibrancy.

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